A Barthey Kinda Day

Lately my work on my Thesis has been dwindling. I've been distracted by things going on in the "real world" (you know, I really fucking hate that phrase...anything I can physically feel or see is "real" therefore, yes, academia is the "real world." At least for me, especially because that is the Earthly-realm from which my miniscule bills get paid). I decided in order to regain control of my work, and construct a balance insuring my loved ones are cared for AND I am being productive in order to make progress on my work, it was time to revisit my old study spot at Chapman University, with my old, absolute favorite, and productive study buddy (my Egyptian mantra). Upon climbing the stairs to get to the second floor I passed my framed guardian angel, Sir Reginald, whom I used to greet everyday upon my arrival at Leatherby Library. The familiar smells of the library immediately stabbed me with old memories and anxieties from my pre-thesis world. Along with this reunion, I remembered another former memory, Roland Barthes, and swiftly made the connection with my experience with that of a punctum. Although I was able to somewhat deconstruct my feelings, the stabbing jolt in my stomach instigated by my sense of smell punctured me with familiar laughs and pains. You see, before my thesis, my life and graduate career remained up in the air, and if you know me at all, you know I hate the feeling of uncertainty. I used to anxiously walk passed Sir Reginald (a constant reminder of my medieval goals) in hopes of it being a good omen to serve me luck in my future endeavors, and today I walked passed him triumphant and relieved, knowing my goals have been met, and the rest depends on me, not on the consideration of three faculty members scrutinizing my work in a conference room. While my shoulders still remain heavy with the burden of attaining enough motivation and progress to complete this phase in my life in a timely manner, haha "as if" (Horowitz, Clueless), there is a certain ease in knowing it's all up to me. What stands out in all of this non-sense I've been jabbering about is that the same place, the same guardian angel, and the same friend, now give me a different feeling, a feeling of relief and comfort, even though we are all in the same exact place we were a year ago, a time of uncertainty, anxiety, but none-the-less laughs and productivity.